She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
FUCK WHALES
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
