i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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