Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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