Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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