If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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