I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
