ugly people sure do ruin things
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
