That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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