my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
MIDGETS
????
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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