The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
