I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
