I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
