I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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