why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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