Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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