Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
