I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Your dad touched me again.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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