So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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