we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
