you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
