I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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