May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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