sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
