So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
