2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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