Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
