the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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