i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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