8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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