just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
