Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
where are you?
Hypothermia
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
