You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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