Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
