So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I love having hate sex.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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