Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
