My underwear smells like fireworks.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
