I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
