Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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