i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
