she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
