Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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