How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my vag is so smooth its legendary
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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