I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
