3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
