Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i think i have two assholes
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
