My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
