I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
