My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
