drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
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He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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