Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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