You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
