my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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