It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Everclear isn't food dammit
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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