i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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