Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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