I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
