Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
