im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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