Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
