im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Who died my cat blue again?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
