If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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