i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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