my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
