he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
